Saturday, December 17, 2022

Thoughts On The Future.

Baby's 1st Jazz Hand

As I get ready to have my baby girl (in 3 weeks! Ah!) and reflect on the things that I have done in my life so far, especially during the holiday season, I can't help but be a little nostalgic for my dance career. I am used to performing at this time and still have big dreams involving a certain holiday show. I just feel like I'm not done. I know things will be more difficult and I'm not living in NYC, but that chapter isn't complete. I still think and dream about what I always have and while it's going to be trickier, I do think I need to try again. I need dancing in my life. I need to be onstage. I need to feel that accomplishment and high of coming so close to my dream or even achieving it. I need the challenge. It's my happy place. It makes me better. It's not a hobby, it has been my career. It is my identity which is why this period of slowing down hasn't been the easiest.

I want my daughter to see what you can achieve if you work hard and don't give up. I want to make her proud. I just showed Max some home videos from when I was little. We watched footage of me singing and dancing at such a young age and it made me cry. I hope I have made that little girl proud. All she ever wanted was to perform. I know someday this will all be over and I won't have the ability to even try again, but I certainly pray that time isn't now. I always think about what it would be like to be 80 years old reflecting on life. I really hope I will be proud and content with the way I raised my daughter and helped give her every opportunity to succeed... and how I accomplished or did all that I could to come close to my goals as well. 

I am so looking forward to this next chapter.  We already love this little human we don't even know so so much. It already feels like time is flying and she isn't even here yet. I am going to try my best to enjoy every moment, even the hard ones, and make sure her life and memories are happy. 

I see dance friends having babies and continuing their passions and work in the industry. I know it can be done. I hope I can help instill a love of the arts, theatre, music, dance, etc. in my daughter. I hope we can dance together. I hope she falls in love with New York City too ; ) The nice thing about Tampa Bay is that there is so much dance and art and culture. 

I will basically be starting over in the spring, but I am going to look at it as an opportunity to better my technique and become a stronger person both mentally and physically. I had to stop taking class in August when my pelvis started bothering me. It hurt to walk. I have been seeing a chiropractor 2x per week and taking prenatal yoga classes. This has helped, but not being able to move the way I'm used to has been hard. I have been desperate for a creative outlet lately and have been testing out the YouTube thing, but I find that I am better able to share my thoughts in writing. Max got me an early "push present," a new Nikon camera. I will attempt to use it for YouTube, but I really look forward to using it for pictures and videos of baby girl above all. It will also be good to have to document my return to dancing. I want to keep track of my progress and work on choreography, if only just for me. 

I know there are people in my life who likely think I'm nuts for believing I can still have my dreams with a baby. But why not? I know it is about her now and that she will give us so much happiness and purpose. I feel those things from my dance life as well and giving up everything I've worked for doesn't seem like the healthiest plan for me. I am determined to make it work in some capacity. I think getting back to movement and the challenge of class will be best for my mental health. 

My plan is to take time to be present and not rush back into anything. I can't wait to go for family walks and get my stamina and strength back slowly and safely. Then I will return to class eventually. Max and I will be moving over the next few weeks and then she will be here before we know it! This has been a difficult year in so many ways, but we are very lucky. We can't wait to meet her. We can't wait to share her name. We can't wait to see what she loves and who she becomes. 

Post a Comment