Friday, April 28, 2023

Dear Diary...

It hurts to not be in the studio or to be somewhere that makes my artistic dreams seem possible. This is hard. I love being a mom so much and am already having fun introducing her to music and dance. We had a Broadway themed morning today. I miss performing though. I need to get back to it. I know I'm physically just about ready, but mentally I've been ready for a year. I need it. I need the part of myself back that has been pushed to the side. I started PT to get stronger and even just the 45 minute workout from that makes me feel better and like I'm ready for a comeback. My occasional virtual dance classes remind me of who I am as well. They don't happen as often as I would like, but it's hard to even shower right now. We don't have family help here. We don't have any help. I need movement like I need air. I went through a lot of scary shit in a short amount of time and the only ways I know how to get through things like that are to be around the people who get me and to dance it out. I can't really do either much at the moment. If you've spent your entire life working toward something or have fallen in love with the art form, you'll know why this is such a struggle for me. I know what my job is right now, but I have never not had something to work toward or train for. This is hard. 

Monday, April 17, 2023

Back To It

I took my first dance class in 7 months/7 weeks postpartum. I have no control over my core yet and need to take it slowly with that so I skipped abs and just did what I could with dance. My stamina and dancing was surprisingly fine, but wow is it hard now being able to use my core. I couldn't if I wanted to right now. It just doesn't work. Crazy. It is slowly getting better though. I feel safe starting with walking and dancing. I plan to hold off on actual working out for a while and just do some light weights and PT exercises. I have never been one to take it easy, but I know I must. Having a baby has made me feel like I am always holding my breath. It is so much fun but it is a lot. It is 24/7. Deb's class makes me feel like myself again though. I know I just became a mom but it is so difficult to balance it all and it is even harder not to compare myself to others. I still have my dreams. I still want to perform. I still want to be a Rockette. 

The Rockette audition is this week. I am obviously not going and am in no shape to go, but I am still going to have serious FOMO. It is extremely difficult to take class or workout with a baby. I stayed with my parents for a couple weeks this month and was able to go to ballet class and swim a ton. Help makes such a difference. I am having a very hard time even getting dressed for the day or finding time to shower. It's a lot. Hopefully it will get easier, but not having family nearby or any friends here is rough. I started to make friends before we left St. Pete and it's just far enough to be too far to see them much. 

My goal is to perform again locally, but what I really want is to audition in NYC next year. I have a plan in mind for training, but I am still recovering from surgery and getting my strength back. We will see...