Friday, March 8, 2019

New Adventure

Who am I if not a dancer? If not this one thing I've always been. I have to remind myself of the struggle. Of living out of a suitcase and never not worrying about what's next or if I'm enough or why I'm not booking things that I know I could be great at if given the chance. There was never rest or calm. I always placed my dreams above everything. Relationships, holidays, etc. I accomplished most of what I set out to and have no regrets since the right people and things that were meant for me stayed or found their way into my life. Now, in this period of transitioning away from everything I've always known or been, I'm having a hard time with this intense fear of missing out. I see auditions being posted and think I want to do that again. However, all the times I've acted on this feeling have caused me to turn my life upside down. They have created stress to the point of affecting my health or relationships. They put me back in the same place and although great on the resume, if I did it again, it would be detrimental to my soul and happiness and growth as a human. 

Dancing still makes me feel free and most myself though. Or maybe most not myself since the feeling is so surreal regardless of whether its onstage or in class. I was not the favorite growing up and I didn't have the best technique, but I wanted it so damn bad. I worked extremely hard all the time and improved so much so that I could compete with the NYC crowd. I feel on top of the world when I move. But at some point, you start to base your self worth on it. Will people still be interested if I'm not continuing to do what I've done? I would take class in NYC or nail an audition and walk out thinking I could conquer anything. Then I would have a bad day or get cut and feel worthless. I'm learning that what you do or have done is not all that you are. There are so many things I love about myself and about my friends that have nothing to do with dance ability or resumes. It's easy to forget that sometimes. 

I started realizing that maybe I should change my direction when I began to do things because I could instead of doing them because I truly wanted to. Just because you know you can do something and feel like you want to prove that you can, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I'm on my way to finding more balance and meaning outside of everything I've always known. No one said that once you stop getting paid to dance that you aren't a dancer. Dance will forever be a part of me, but in a different way now. At this point in time, I've reached my limit with moving back and forth between the city and my parents' home. Although I was fortunate to have places to go, I never felt comfortable or settled anywhere. At the same time, when things did seem to get comfortable, I would be looking for the next thing to give me the high that travel and new opportunity brings. Not the healthiest. 

I believe in always evolving and creating new goals and standards for yourself. That being said, I've decided to pursue a more consistent position with a company that I've always been interested in. Technically, it can be considered a performing career. I think the fact that dance gave me discipline and taught me to always strive for more will benefit me in my new adventure. I'm so excited to interact with people and help make their experiences better. Everyone seems so nice and the location is really beautiful so I look forward to training. I studied communication in school and I love to hear people's stories and make connections. I can't wait to learn and make more friends and have my own place for once. 

I look forward to supporting my friends who come to town with tours and continuing to take class and maybe performing when time allows. I'm going to use all of the invaluable skills that I have developed through dancing to excel at whatever life brings. If you're still in it and dealing with the insanity of audition season, keep going if it's what your heart truly wants. I don't know of many feelings greater than that of doing what you love or achieving your wildest dreams.

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