Monday, March 8, 2021

One Year.

I have been doing more to get in shape lately, especially with a wedding later in the year. I have fallen in love with barre classes again, but I can't help but miss the feeling of a hard day of dancing. I miss the post audition smoothies or banana pudding. I miss the feeling of being literally on top of the world after making it to the end of a Rockette audition. The feeling that your dreams are within reach. I haven’t felt that in so long. I can’t wait to audition again. I don’t care how old we are or the lost time or the changes in our lives. If we love it, we have to find a way back after this. If there is an after. My AGMA card arrived in the mail today. There is nowhere to use it. 

I danced for 3 hours today. I wore a leotard, black tights, and La Ducas and felt like me again. On International Women’s Day, surrounded by strong women on Zoom, in class, at home, and in the world, I felt good again. Even if only for a day. Even if it doesn’t mean I’m performing yet for an audience or a paycheck. I was home. I am most me when I’m in my element, with people who get me and love what I love. It’s not a “normal” job or life and that is what I like about it. A dance friend pointed out during class that we have been dancing apart for almost a year. A YEAR. A year of our dance lives lost. 

I miss feeling like I truly belong somewhere. Dance is my safe place. I hope that I can create a life filled with dance and art here and also travel a little to pursue my dreams soon. I think we’ve all pivoted a bit. It's important to stick together and uplift each other. I miss my encouraging, like minded friends. I will get to see many of them later in the year. Something to look forward to. 

I want that high from dancing in a packed, iconic NY studio and then stepping outside with friends into a city of endless possibilities. Life never felt "normal" in New York. And that was part of its charm. I am finding that St. Pete has an arts and culture scene more so than other parts of Florida. I can't wait to become involved in the community. I just haven't found my place yet and it's hard to do so with a global pandemic in a world full of messed up values. 

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